Week #14 Recap (I QUIT)

Weekly Mileage: 40.67

Monday Rest Day

Tuesday Rest Day

Wednesday was my first run since Hood to Coast I decided to take 3 days off and take it easy during the week wanting to ensure I would feel good for the heavy mileage I had planned for the weekend. I got 5.57 miles in that morning at a 8:53 pace and felt pretty good, it was muggy but I felt great at work that day and was glad I got up and put in the effort.

Thursday Rest Day

Friday Rest Day

Saturday the plan was to run a "self marathon" (26.2) miles and then follow it up with a 10 mile run on Sunday. The night before I was not really looking forward to it, just feeling unmotivated, uninspired and not even sure where I was going to go. I woke up that morning at 6:00am (about an hour later than I wanted to) and decided to run the 205 bike path to the springwater trail west and back. I took off just before 7:00am and it was already a little warm but my legs felt pretty fresh and I had an ipod filled with new ultrarunner podcast interviews to listen to.

The run was going decent until about 10 miles in when I started to feel pretty tired. My toes were in pain, my calves were starting to ache and I was feeling an overall fatigue; not a great place to be with 16 miles left to go. I continued on heading west and it continued to get warmer out, I made it to the 13 mile point (about 2 miles past Oaks Park) and I was not in the best of places. I had to sit down right on the trail and take of my sock as I was certain one of my toenails (the one that had been bothering me from hood to coast and subsequently turned black) had fallen completely off and was rattling around loose in there. I checked to find it was still attached but was raised from a large blister surfacing underneath it causing it to catch on the fabric of my sock as I ran.

Too Much Information Warning:

A this point I also realized I had not had to pee yet which for me is very unusual. I decided to chug the water I had left and make a quick pit stop at a convenience store in Sellwood to refill my bottles. After doing this I felt slightly refreshed and ready to head home. Unfortunately this feeling of contentment (I can't call it good) was VERY temporary. My calves began to ache with every step and my quads felt incredibly heavy, my will quickly followed this physical downward slide and I found myself walking. I was about 16 miles in when I decided to quit, quit this particular run (I would ask someone to borrow their cell phone and call Beth to come get me) quit running all these long and painful runs, quit this stupid endeavor of training for such an incomprehensible race of 50 miles. I wrote it all off I mean how could I expect myself to run 50 miles when 16 was about to bring me to my knees. I thought about how my nutrition could be better, how I should have stretched more this week and how I haven't got the sleep my body needs to recover, but most off all I thought about how I could get out of the undoubtedly upcoming 10 hours of pain I would have to endure trying to run 50 miles. What had made me think I could do this, how egotistical and stubborn must I be to think I could go from not running at all to running 50 miles in a 16 month period.

Through these thoughts I continued to run and walk, I thought maybe the race director would let me switch my registration from the 50 miler to the 50k. I thought about every reason why I should get out of this and get out now, how much easier it would be and how nice it would be to not feel this pain anymore, but I continued moving. I pushed up a few big hills feeling more inspired as I got closer to home only to feel more exhausted causing me to walk again. Finally I arrived home I had made it just over 25 miles and it had taken me over 4 hours and 21 minutes (22 minutes longer than my first marathon (26.2) in April). See I wasn't getting any better, things were only getting harder and by late October I would be lucky if I could run 20 miles let alone 50.

I struggled through the afternoon happy the run was over and not dealing with the panicky thoughts caused by the pain but still questioning just how I would get through this and if I could keep moving forward in this process.

Sunday I was to run a 10 miler but I was obviously pretty beat up physically and mentally going into the day. As the day went on I realized being a runner (I guess I am one of those now) the best strategy for me to solve problems is to go for a run, but what do you do when your problem is running. I decided to revisit a book I had read (listened to) awhile ago called "The Dip" it's a book about quitting and probably not what you are thinking, it actually encourages it. I got my running shoes on and loaded the book onto my ipod before heading out. The run was the best I have had in months, not because I wasn't in pain, not because it felt good but because I learned/remembered these lessons.

1. Never look into the future through the eyes of your current circumstances

We tend to look into our future and try and see what is possible through the eyes of today's circumstances and this kills dreams. If you are a "left brain" like me this is easy to do as we look for patterns in life and tend to build that pattern from our current circumstances. If I hurt right now running 20 miles I will be in even more pain trying to run 50. If I am exhausted in life and I try to give anymore I will be even more exhausted. The thing is we should never do this, we should only look backwards through the eyes of our current circumstances to understand that we are probably in a place we could have never imagined years ago (good or bad) and remember that things happened to get us where we are we could have never seen back at that point in time. The only thing we can count on is more of those unexpected things will occur in the future bringing us to a place we could never plan for. We should only look forward through the eyes of a dreamer and imagine all that can be possible even if we can't see the stepping stones that will get us across the river.

2. The quote "winners never quit and quitters never win" is total B.S.

Winners quit all the time they have to quit the things that are getting in the way of them accomplishing their real goal or focus, and know what and when it is right to quit. The quote wouldn't be as catchy but should read like this "Winners never quit anything that is worth while because it is difficult at the moment" So if quitting is an o.k. solution how do I know when and what I should quit? This is what the book walks you through and here is how I have simplified it in my mind.

If quitting is the easier solution then you should continue and if continuing is the easier solution then you should quit. It is easier to continue on at a "safe" dead end job then to quit and take the risk to find something better. It is easier to stay in a relationship that you know is not what you deserve then to quit and hurt the other person and have to start over. It is easier to quit a job that is difficult because you are fearful you will never become good at it then it is to continue on and find out for real. It is easier to quit a long term relationship with someone you love then to continue to put in hard work and give yourself to someone else to strengthen that relationship. A great tip is to decide in good times where your quitting line is that way you do not try to make that decision when you are in the stress of struggle.

3. I don't do endurance sports to avoid pain but to embrace it.

Lately I have been looking for ways to make my running less painful and more enjoyable and I need to remember if I am seeking pleasure and lack of pain there are allot of things I could be doing to accomplish that and running is not one of them. The reason I am attracted to endurance sports is because the winner is not the person who figures out how to avoid the pain but the one who learns to embrace and dare I say even thrive off of it. Life will send us many uncomfortable situations along our journeys and having confidence that you can not only survive in those moments but be your best in them is unmatchable. I am also confident that the Lord want's me to take on this challenge and I have to remind myself he knew what I was in for when I signed up even if I didn't and any pain and struggle that comes along with it he wanted me to go through and therefore I will not only get through it but embrace it.

Here is something I paraphrased about a year ago that was inspired from a quote I read from another runner, I think it illustrates point #3 well.

"My run doesn't start until The Beast shows up, I run not dreading The Beast but anticipating it, anxiously waiting for him excited to see what challenge he will bring and ready to wrestle through it. If we spend our lives trying to avoid The Beast we will not know how to handle him when he appears, and he WILL appear. Looking for The Beast, seeking it out is a way of training our souls to fight temptation and to build the confidence that when it shows up unexpectedly in our lives we will be prepared. Seek out The Beast, challenge yourself and be amazed at what you can accomplish.  

Needless to say my head is fixed I am ready to run my 50 miler and take on the challenges that will come along with it (at least for now).